my mind has drawn a blank

blah blah blah

blah blah blah

blah blah blah

blah blah blah

blah blah blah

blah blah blah

blah.

eehh

sorry

im sorry for my thoughts

they just took over me and corrupted me into a horrilble person.

im just really sorry.

songs below

below are the songs i was listening to and just spoke to me.

all the problems im facing are said in these songs said there own way.

all by sum 41

open your eyes

Lately, I'm not quite myself.
Maybe, I do need some help.
Just my confusion, Trust my delusion.

Don't you, Regret you met me.
Go through, These steps to get me,
Back to where we start, 'Fore I fall apart.

If I could black out, It'd become so clear,
Standing face-to-face with everything I fear.
Watch so closely, but still I don't see.
As bad as it seems, a piece of mind I steal,
An ordinary life, But consequences real.
I'm past the point of reality.

This isn't me, This isn't you,
When it's just everything we do.
Till you open up your eyes,
and understand this isn't real.
This isn't me, This isn't you,
This is everything but true,
Till we come to realize,
It's what we put each other through.

It's like a bad dream, Coming all so true,
Leaving me with nothing else left to do.
Now so helpless, I'm not so selfish.
Tell me, How does it feel to have a face like that,
How does it feel to be replaced like that.
Now so faceless,
Do you still feel?

This isn't me, This isn't you,
When it's just everything we do.
Till you open up your eyes, and understand this isn't real.
This isn't me, This isn't you,
This is everything but true,
Till we come to realize,
It's what we put each other through.

It's hard to believe right now,
This seems to be real.
Still phasing by this time,
So why can't I wake up.

This isn't me, This isn't you,
When it's just everything we do.
Till you open up your eyes, and understand this isn't real.
This isn't me, This isn't you,
This is everything but true,
Till we come to realize,
It's what we put each other through.

slipping away

I'm slippin away
In every way
I can't stay away
I'm slippin away
But tryin to make it
Through each day
I'm fallin apart
In every way
I'm findin it hard
To get by there's a hole in my heart
And I don't know why
And i've come to realize
I'm slippin away

lilltle know it all

I'm the kid that no one knows

I live a life I never chose

With these thoughts in my mind

On my own, my own

I'm face to face with the unknown

My Scary Movie will be shown

I got one evil mind

Of my own, of my own

We take from one another

And never stop to wonder

How it feels from the other side

When nothing lasts forever

When stupid turns to clever

Why are you surprised?

my life so far

[x] broken a promise
[x] made a new friend
[] fell in love
[] fell out of love
[x] done something you swore never to do
[x] lied
[x] stole
[x] went behind your parents back
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hidden a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[] got arrested
[] kissed in the rain
[x] slept under the stars
[x] gotten in a fight
[] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[] left the country
[x] almost died
[x] drank yourself retarded
[x] lost someone close to you
[x] been to the hospital
[x] gotten closer to someone
[] streaked
[x] cried over someone
[] broken up with a gf or bf
[x] given up something important to you
[x] talked on the phone all night
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] made a total fool of yourself
[x] met great people

i actually am a crazy person looking for love. that subject has been on my mind alot. i had an epiphany a few days ago and it is that i really want a relationship. one that is fun and "immature" and also serious so i can just talk to them about my problems and they can tell me theirs. also someone who will be there and not shoot you down.
I want to go on wild adventures (if you know what i mean. ha jk) that take us to somewhere exotic and interesting. and then lay in a tall feild of comfortable grass and just gaze at the stars or clouds with out saying anything, or climb a tree and just hang out there observing the world we live in. making comments and sharing our knowledge about life, then going out to a place not well known and eating there.

i also want to go to the amusement park to let the little kid outside of me and just be free and have fun with him. and long trips on car, plane, train, subway, bike, shoes, and flying :}

facebook

it is so overrated.
everyone has one.
what do you even do on there.
so many people have gone up to me and tell me they have one, so that is why it is just getting so annoying...................... ok well not annoying but that is why it is on my mind.

haha... shmesmeeshma ;]

we are all crazy people looking for love :D

Today was really fun. I am glad that we all hung out and went to sunrise even when we new it was closed but we just walked in and just walked all downtown (the sweet snacks were delicious).

It was different and i need diferent right now. I need a break from the norm. a change that is good, and today was perfect for it. My mind could finally just take a break from every news that comes into my life. I am starting to actually go out and hang out with my acquainences and letting them into my friendship life. I love it. There really wasn't any awkwardness and im not going to make any with the new "friends" i have.

It is a good way to learn things and meet interesting people, and if you just be yourself around them and they are fine with it and can be themselves around you then you have another friend.

well all i really got to say is thank you for tonight and we have to do it again sometime :)

(ok so fyi, it is really freezing in this room and i am shivering non stop so it is really hard to write and concentrate so i am sorry if this is confusing at points i just dont want to go back and read what i have written and correct it)

up till now

staying up late and doing homework.
drinking chai tea in the morning.
coming in really late for spanish or skipping.
being really tired all the time.
double guessing myself.
negativity.
questioning reality.
procrastinating every second i got.
thinking about you/you guys.
something always hurting.
always hurting someone.
being rebelious.
loving life.

Why

Sometimes Iwonder why you still like me. When you visited me you told me a lot of the things you hated in people. A lot of things you told me were the things that I was.

You said you can't handle being in the same room of someone who doesn't know what they want in life.

I have know idea what i want in life.

You said you would just rather skip that teenager life.

I want to stay and have a teenager life.

You said he was the first person you ever had a great time talking to.

We talk all the time, so have we never had a good time talking.

You said if you two decided to date then you probably wouldn't have seen me this summer and staied with him.

Those things just make me wonder.

all i need

You treat me so wonderful and nice. You will always be there for me and I am so lucky to have friends like you. When news gets worse you are there to make it better. Even though there are the times when I just don't know what is up with you, and I wonder why you wont tell me. My mind starts filling in the blanks and im left with you just don't trust me. But then I just remind myself I do the exact same and know that my mind is completly wrong. You are one of the best things that has ever happened in my life.

I love laying in our oddly shaped circles and just being so peaceful with eachother. We are so comfortable with eachother. I love these moments

That's the game. Goodbye and thank you for coming

This week wasn't the best week. I got bad news right from left and had no idea to handle it. When ever i think about it i start crying. I try not to show it a lot of the times but there are those times when it cannot be hidden and it just explodes out of you.

It's good news then it's bad news. Now It's only down hill from now. My mouth is clenched tight and will never relax. My mind will not sleep like it normaly would; It's always awake and running away from the problem but winds up running back toward the problem.

I need to get away to somewhere I have never been to.

you keep me loving life

I was just thinking of how wonderful this year will be and is, even though there has been those moments that you just want to erase from your mind. You all have been so helpful in your own way by helping me go over this bump. Because of you guys i am able to look forward in the future and smile. I'm very lucky to have friends like you, i wonder how many people can say that and truly mean it. When we aren't together or haven't seen eachother for a long time i feel like apart of me is missing. This weekend is the worst. I can't wait till monday.

We have so many plans for this year and i know each one of them will be fantastic. I can't wait, it's killing me, but i wouldn't want to speed up time. Thats just a waste of those small moments with you guys that i love the most. I love you all :)

लाइफ

The meaning of life is not to survive.

The meaning to life is just, to be.

I have been thinking of deeper meanings in everyday life. Why it's raining and why it suddenly changes to sun. Is it mixed in with our feelings or emotions. Rain representing fear, depression, anger, something bad is going to happen. Sun representing things getting better, happiness, relaxation. And for ever long it last's in a day. For example, if it rains for a long time then starts misting until the sun comes out it means that something unpleasent would happen for a long time but you slowly get over it in due time and ready to grow again.



Dreams have a lot of meaning. Some of them are straight up this is what will happen, and others having to go deep to find out what it means.

One dream i had and still remember to this day was when i was still living in Boise, Idaho and was about 10-12 years of age. This is all of what i remember.

It's dark and mysterious, and i crawl out of bed afraid. When I'm at the door the floor is gone and big phychodelic mushrooms pop out of the floor. Under the mushrooms it's boiling green liquid. I hopped on the mushrooms trying to get to my parents room which was just down the hall. It seemed like the room was never ending and I was stuck jumping from shroom to shroom, trying not to fall in the boiling liquid. But I never gave up and ran faster to the room then suddenly stopped to look behind me and it was black. The mushrooms slowly dissapeard and I turned back around and walked, but still wasn't going any where. I was never able to reach my parents room.



This dream was an on going dream that forever I never really paid attention to, but always had it stuck in my mind, now I went into a deep thought about it and came up with some sybolization on what it all meant.

Me running to my parents was representing support or comfort which i could never get to the point of satisfaction. It can also mean that i am turning into an adult and have to deal with my own problems and not always relying on other people to fix them.

I was oviously scared in the begginging, which can mean scared of whats happening next in life. but then i started slowing down and started walking which represents me being fine and comfortable with how my life is going, or just tired and don't care what happens in life because it has all been the same in the past.

Me looking back might mean me regreting things that i have done, but can't go back to fix things. Me turning around is me excepting the fact that i have made mistakes but i shouldn't linger in the past and just enjoy what is happening now.

The shrooms probably mean that well life will be phychodelic but be responsible for what you do or else you can hurt your self by falling in the boiling green liquid.

silence

The silence kills me. It's when my thoughts build up and I can't stop thinking about life and death. You are to die in a few months. If something was to go wrong i couldn't live with myself. You are my world. All of my friends are based off of you. I am finding you more in my life then i have ever with any one. There even is someone who looks like you. It's a trip.

I am creating a silent war between my body and my mind.

You are my love. I love you and I always will. Sometimes it seems like we are drifting apart from each other. The thought of me and you not knowing each other is the tramatising. We have changed each other making better of us. For the better of the world. For all humanity. Maybe that is going to far but you are the biggest part in my life and I don't want to lose you over something that could save you. You have opened my eyes to a whole new level of humanity. You are my greatest educator.

Thank you.

I'm sorry

I fucking made her cry again!

what the fuck is wrong with me!

I start out as a lonley invisible bird observing hell its self, then turn into a phoenix and start telling her truth.

then im the one in the end that is called the bitch.

here we go again

I'm not sure how long i can deal with her. One fight isn't enough for her. I try to make it better but whenever that happens it turns into my fault. It will always be my fault. I know that not true or i just don't want to make it true, But every time she says that it leaves a mark, and the mark is getting deeper and wider and soon will curupted my way of life.


You have a lot of problems going on with you. Many dealing with health and age. I wish i could help you more, but I'm not sure that the help I can give would satisfy you.

I want the fighting to stop so you can live a life you won't regret.

A long windy road

You are my best friend and i do any thing for you. It's still a big shock to me, i never really thought to myself that anyone close to me would go through so much pain that you're going through. Until recently i thought the world to be a long straight road to something infinite and only a few speed bumps to slow you down. Know it's a small windy road on a cliff, and if you take the wrong turn it can effect your life completely, but man it's a hell of an adventure the best adventure you can have.

All of your dreams you've told me has led up to this. You told me you were young, and watched everything. Well to me it seems like you can't do anything but watch your life unravel. I'm here to put you back together and i will always be there, you can count on me to heal your wounds.

No matter what happens we will stay on the road through any weather and become immortal. Let's not make this ruin our adventures

The garden

Oh oh i really wanted that thing
I just want to sing
I love you baby
Won't you bring
All the flowers you
Find out in the garden
Don't tell me the truth
That your heart has hardened

But you don't want me anymore
How can it be
Look what you've done to me

Oh oh
Oh oh the bee does quickly sting
I was wondering
If you could maybe darling
Think? I'd give everything
If you'd grant my love a pardon
and all the fruits
Again would fill the garden

But you don't love me anymore
How can it be?
Look what you've done to me

Oh oh

oh hum

Awe homework, it gets the best and worst out of ya. The good side- you get great confindence from it, knowing that you are doing it right and learning things you never knew. The bad side- it makes you into a deranged monster and you destroy anything insight. You get angered at the smallest word and try to start fighting with someone because you gotta get your anger out. You want help but when someone tries to help you, you just get extremly annoyed with them. They will start telling you to calm down, and tell you they are going to leave and come back when you are in a better mood. This angers you more and you start screaming and saying you are fine and whenever a question is asked you answer in a hard and loud voice. Of course this is taking you knowhere, and if you try to do your homework it doesn't work out, es no bueno. So you just stare off in space and day dream, cutt up anything you can, doodle, or anything else you come up with. Then that person comes back into your space and all of your memories come back, and you start to get annoyed again but you try to hide it and tell them to leave you alone. But when they are gone you go back to your project of procrastination. It's probably the best way to go.

Night

If you haven't noticed all my blog postings are done at night. For me it is a time for relaxation and concentration. It's also a time for opening up and going to your wild side.
With all of those things put together I am able to write whatever comes to my noggin.
Thats also a reason they aren't that long...

Do you smell that... it's excitment

It's October!!!
The month of Holloween :) this year is going to be so exciting and full of adventures...fuck yea

Why

I don't know why your doing this but you are being a complete jack ass...go back to normal.

Please

The worst news you can get

What is the worst news you can get? Well i guess it depends on the person.

A few hours ago I heard the most dreadful thing any person can ever hear. Do you have a friend? What about a best friend thats true to your relationship and would jump infront of bullets for you, just so you'll be the one to live; or someone who can trust you completely and is always there? What if this wonderful person lived far away and called you up one day saying they have a disease that could kill them if they got sick, And they only have a few years left? You long to be there with them to comfort them and be by there side while they are going hrough this horrible sickness, but the only thing you can give them is the sound of your voice. The sound of you crying. And all you hear is them telling you this horrible news and trying to comfort you at the same time. And the sound of them crying.

A few hours ago I heard the most dreadful thing any person can ever hear.

वोर्स्त

me

well i can't really tell you about me because i don't really no me... yes i no that probably sounds crazy but think about it... you don't really think about your self and such you think about other people. well what im trying to say is that i don't pay much attention to everything i do. i just notice the little things i do constantly like changing my laugh but not on purpose, or being a so called "hippie" and more little things like that. So right now im just trying to become me and knowing who me actually is. you might think im nuts and you might think im sweet. Im just a regular person in this huge melting pot world.

Would you say little redundant?

I have just deleted all of my post and here to start a new.
I'm going to take it seriously but have fun with it at the same time.
It will be a way to speak out and confess to everything,
or just writing my thoughts that randomly pop up sometimes.
This is a good way for me to let go of the anger, frustration, sadness, or even happiness.
I have done this once so far except not typing and it worked out perfectly.
I'm going to talk about everything that's going on in my life.
This time I'm going to make it sound better.